Why I Would Make A Great Ex-Con

You'd think I was running from the law or something.  In the span of six months, I changed my name, got a tattoo, left my school, and moved 3,000 miles away to begin at a new school.

Part of that was coincidence, but there's another side to it, I think.  Teenagers are supposed to grow and change and experiment with their hair colors and I never really did.  It's not like I wasn't allowed to, I just didn't allow myself.  I wanted people to think I was authentic and consistent; actually I was kind of obsessed with it.  I thought people who allowed themselves to change were wishy-washy and immature.  Most likely, I was trying to appeal to adults by having an "ugh, teenagers are so stupid" vibe going on.  I thought this meant I was much more mature than my peers.  I was really proud of weird things like the fact that I didn't dye my hair or wear makeup.  I made fun of people who did "mainstream" things like the duckface pose or taking artsy photos.

And you know what? I'd like to apologize for that.  Particularly around the ages of 13-16 my distaste for appearing inconsistent bled into how I treated my peers who weren't afraid to grow and change.  I know a lot of people I went to high school with are reading this, so this is for you.  Sorry for being kind of a dick. You do you, boo.

Anyway my theory is that since I didn't allow myself to do any "experimenting" during the time most people do it, it's all coming out now.  I'm not gonna do anything crazy, but I'm also not going to act like I don't like something everybody else does just to seem intellectual.

If you're a teenager, be a teenager.  If you want to dye your hair a crazy color, go for it.  Even if you end up hating it it's okay because it'll grow out and you're 14 and nobody expects you to be consistent.  And that's not insulting, it's liberating.  Listen to the music you like because it does not determine how smart you are.  Wear makeup of you want, it doesn't make you "fake".  And most importantly, if you see other people trying  to figure out who they are (and aren't hurting themselves or others in the process) don't try to stop them or make fun of them.  It doesn't make you "mature", it just makes you look like a tool.

So why do I say I am exhibiting behaviors akin to those of an ex convict?  Allow me to demonstrate with a very scientific chart:

The red circle is people hiding from the government.  The blue circle is people who have changed their name, appearance, and location in a short period of time.

Since I'm sure the government is reading this anyway, I just want them to know I have nothing to hide. 😬

All My Friends Are Asleep

me, on any given day, around 8am

One of the biggest transitions I've had to make is the time difference.  Right now, Arizona is three hours behind Pennsylvania. When I was in PA and trying to contact someone in Arizona, it was no problem at all.  Even if I remembered a question I had for my school in the evening, I could call because they were still open. But now I'm in Arizona and everyone I know is in Pennsylvania and it sucks. 

I'm a night owl.  I do most of my homework between 10pm and midnight because that's when I'm best able to focus.  But if I reach out to a friend at that time, I have to remember it's 2am for them, and they're probably asleep.  This means I have to contact people in the middle of the day, which is also when I have all my classes.

The first time I noticed this issue was a few weeks ago (this story makes me sound really shallow so bear with me).  I posted a picture on Instagram, and an hour later it only had two or three likes.  I was confused because I usually get around 30 likes in the first hour.  I was a little upset until I realized virtually all of my followers live on the east coast and the few that did like my picture were up way past their bedtime (I believe this is what the kids call "clockblocked").  But my first-world problem had a first-world solution, in that I deleted it and posted it again the next morning.

I know that doesn't sound like a big problem, and trust me, I know it's not.  It's just annoying when little things like that happen several times every day.  I want to text a friend at midnight, remember I can't, and vow to do it in the morning, then ultimately I forget.  I want to post something to social media, and remember that nobody will see it.  Or, you know, I'll update my blog a few hours after I get up and then people tell me they've been waiting all day to see it, and I realize I've posted it at Pennsylvania's 5pm.

I know what you're thinking, "Lily, there's such an obvious solution to this! All you have to do is wake up and go to bed earlier!"  To which I reply: "hahahahahahahahhahahaha".  I've been trying.  I can't do it.  I had this great plan to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 8am every day, but somehow it keeps turning into 2am and 10am.  Or 3 and 12.  I'm trying, but I'm just so awake at night.  And I can't just say I'm on Pennsylvania time, because that would mean I'm sleeping and waking up extra early.

I recently looked up time zones on a world clock and found a place that's three hours behind Arizona, and it's Hawaii.  So there's my new excuse.  Instead of fixing my sleep patterns, I should just go to Hawaii.

I suggest if you're planning on moving in the future, you pick a place in the same time zone, or even better, a place that's a few hours ahead.  Because being three hours behind is really lame.

The one comfort I do have is that Arizona is weird as hell and doesn't operate on the daylight savings system.  So come November, I'll only be two hours behind all of you lovely people. And then maybe you'll like my damn pictures already.

Holiday Roooooooooad

Hearing my parents say "We're moving to Arizona and you can come if you want" wasn't too surprising. If you know my parents you know they're always going somewhere (and usually somewhere warm). They're also pretty big on Calvin and I being independent, which is why I wasn't surprised they told us we didn't have to come with.

What knocked me off my feet was when they said "Oh yeah, also we're gonna drive there".

What.

Look, I know there are families that are into cross-country driving, and camping, and fresh air and all that but I think it's important to know who you are. That's why I always play Guitar Hero on "easy". I know who I am. I also know that we're not a Road Trip Family. And I thought my parents knew that too, but apparently not. I envisioned this trip going about as well as me playing Guitar Hero on "expert" (you know what I mean, you can only go about ten seconds before you mess something up and everyone and a bunch of CGI punks are yelling at you, minus the CGI punks). And to be honest, I was dreading it all summer. When people asked if I was excited to move, I always replied with "I'm excited to be there", which was true. It was just the whole "getting there" part that was making me nervous.

Dad decided the best way to prepare the family was for us to all watch the movie "National Lampoon's Family Vacation" before the trip, a plan that was about as successful as having us watch "The Mummy" before we went to Egypt (Pretty sure I cried. Whatever, I know who I am). Suffice it to say the Griswold's antics did not assuage our trepidation about the road trip.

To recap:

My parents moving to Arizona: not surprising

My parents choosing to drive to Arizona: surprising.

My parents calling it "Hamping": unfortunately, not surprising

What is Hamping, you ask? It's when instead of camping, you stay at a different Hampton Inn every night. A good idea, a cringe-worthy term.

I decided the way I was going to survive the trip was by giving myself something to look forward to; I'd take a Polaroid* every day and post it to Instagram/Facebook along with a short description of the day's events. (*yes I know, they're technically not actual Polaroids but for the sake of brevity I'm sticking to it). What I posted were colorful, somewhat artsy photos of quirky landmarks, successfully giving the illusion that I was 1. a put-together individual with the time, budget, and skill needed for photography, and 2. Having the time of my life.

I mean, look at these:

There is absolutely nothing to justify this quasi-"tumblr-aesthetic". It's a damn Sonic.

I call this backdrop: "Hampton Inn Lobby Wallpaper". Admittedly, that's what most of them were.

Just look at all the quintessential Americana I experienced. My man in the back is playing a washboard.

For this day, I wrote about the museum in Kansas dedicated to "The Wizard of Oz", the best thing to come out of cinematography (and of Kansas). What I left out was that I had a legitimate panic attack after walking through the dark forest simulation (Say it with me, "I know who I am").

Overall, the road trip was neither as bad as I had anticipated, nor as interesting as I made it look online (this is the case for most things in life). Yeah, we did some cool things, but ultimately I spent around 50 hours looking at the back of the passenger seat (as a matter of fact, take another look at the last picture. The "backdrop" is literally the floor of the car. I was running out of options, man. Hamptons apparently only have like three paint colors). There was the Cookie Fiasco of 2k16 which was the only time all four of us have been that angry simultaneously. But we also visited Barringer's Meteor Crater, which was one of the coolest things I've ever seen, and I'm so glad my family was there to experience it with me.

Don't get me wrong, I think social media is great. We live in an amazing time. Things that are important to us personally can be just as easily documented as things of national importance. I feel bad for people who complain about selfies, etc. I would love to be able to see pictures of my parents or grandparent's childhoods from their point of view. My grandkids will have the ability to see what it was like being a teenager in the 2010's, from sources other than articles with titles like "Lazy Millenials" or "The Selfie Generation". And while I acknowledge that what we post on social media is often an augmented version of our lives, I don't think that's as bad as some say it is.

That being said, I would like to leave you with this. If I were to have social media-ed honestly, and I mean really honestly, about the road trip, I think I know what I would do. There's one picture I haven't posted anywhere yet that sums up the trip better than any Instagram-filtered, knockoff Polaroid ever could, and it's this:



I love this photograph for so many reasons.

1. It's from the backseat of our car, my point of view most of the time.
2. Mom, in her big sunglasses, has spotted another Amazing Thing that she must document.
3. She does so by contorting her body so she's half in the backseat.
4. You can just hear Calvin and I yelling "Mom! Are you serious? You're in my face!"
5. You can see Dad choosing his battles and offering no comment.
6. It was not posed, or altered in any way. This is my real life. 

7. There's a certain beauty to it, which I couldn't quite put my finger on until I remembered Fibonacci's spiral. 

I mean, look at this. It could be a Renaissance painting.


They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case it's accurate. This blog post is about 1,000 words and the whole thing could have been summed up in this one incredible photo.

Antifreeze, scrapple, and other language barriers

     I am at a small table in the dining hall, sitting with a few friends when it occurs to me the Powerade I am drinking is the bluest I've ever seen. I joke,
     "This Powerade is really good but it looks like antifreeze!"
     Total silence.
     Someone, finally: "The hell is antifreeze?"

     This I consider the moment I knew I wasn't in Pennsylvania anymore.  I was expecting the heat, the mountains, the citrus trees. I knew I would have to start over and make new friends.  What I hadn't anticipated was having to define and explain things every day to people who lived in the same country and spoke the same language as me.  "Antifreeze" is just another noun to me.  It was like if someone had looked at me side-eyed and said "What the hell is a cloud?"

     But at least explaining antifreeze doesn't sound crazy.  West Coast-ers may have trouble imagining the weather being cold enough to need such a thing, but it makes sense that we would have it.  Now try explaining things like scrapple.  If you've ever had it, you know it's a breakfast food akin to a sausage patty.  Whether or not you have a taste for it, you know it's just another food.  Try explaining the concept of scrapple to someone who has never heard of it without sounding like chapter five of "The Jungle".  You can't.  At the very least, every sentence will be sandwiched with "But it's good, I swear!"

Other words that have made people look at me funny:

• Wawa
• Philly
• Amish
• Snowplow
• Hoagie
• and "I've never been to Costco"

(Have you ever had a moment like this? Should I hop on the Costco train? Got opinions on scrapple? I'd love to hear from you in the comments!)